In my last video about the importance of Boundaries in Couple Relationship I had asked a few question and I had left them open. As promised here is the video addressing them. 

I had talked about a scenario where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

Some Important questions – Aren’t friendships outside marriage important? Can’t we get emotional support from our friends and family?  What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?  Let me try to address these questions in this video.

Spoiler alert – There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What is important is that both partners in the relationship have a common set of answers and understanding between them.

Let me start with a metaphor.

We all live in houses. Why do we stay in a house / apartment? To be safe physically and to protect ourselves, that’s why the house has walls. But a house also has a certain number of Windows to allow for sunlight and air to come in and also doors to allow us and other people to come in or go out. But remember the doors also have locks and windows also have latches. So that we can choose for whom we want to open the doors to, and when we want keep the windows open or closed.

Boundaries to your relationship are like that. They do not intend to cut off other people but to allow them to enter into your space when you both want them to and keep yourself safe and secure when you both do not want them to come in.

It is good to have a healthy circle of friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not for your relationship. Cutting off from everyone else is definitely not advisable.

Lets us look at some examples-   These are not real client names.       

Sharing your relationship issues with other friends family, etc

Lets say you are having disagreements and conflicts with your partner, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you choose to share it with your friend, colleague, family member etc, they are also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with others.  Tomorrow you both might patch up, but the person with whom you shared this information may continue to hold that negative image about your partner.  Do you agree?

Spending or wanting to spend more time with the other person      

Let us look at another scenario- These are not real client names.  

Rakesh and Rupa have been married for10 years. Their life had become a bit monotonous.  Rakesh made a new friend at his workplace.  He found that she was very intelligent and interesting, He starts sharing about his challenges and get emotional support. The more he spent time with her he found more common ground. He was excited to go to work so that he could meet her. She became his go to person to go talk about anything that he felt like. When he would go home, he had nothing to share with Rupa or talk about. Do you think this will create problems in their relationship or aggravate existing issues between them?

Let me list down some scenarios that can create problems in a relationship. Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important than the relationship with partner/spouse.
• This relationship is more interesting, to share about challenges, about significant events
• Discussing and taking decisions with this person rather than with the partner.
• Looking forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• Prefer provide and get emotional support with this with the other person more than with partner.
• Hiding things from partner, Lying to partner – fully/partially/white lies etc.
• Becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which the partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• Becoming a significant emotional support provider to this other person, that the partner is uncomfortable with.
• Effort, energy and enthusiasm increases towards this person and it affects the effort, energy and enthusiasm towards partner

The other relationship might be platonic.  But if it takes you away from your marriage or relationship, it is a cause of concern and needs to be addressed before the damage becomes severe.

If you are facing any of these challenging scenarios, Couple therapy / Couple counselling / marriage counselling / relationship counselling could help the both of you set healthy boundaries for your relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post How do Boundaries Keep your Relationship safe? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

If a couple says they don’t fight at all, there sure is some problem there.  And if they fight all the time then definitely there is a problem.

When couples have conflicts they typically have 4 options
1. They may choose to completely avoid the conflict pushing the issue under the carpet
2. They will engage in the conflict but Most of these would get escalated
3. One may just give in just to avoid the conflict. Or the other forcefully pushes their agenda. That means they agree on the surface, but deep within resentment builds up in the relationship.  
4. Deal with the conflict in a healthy manner.

It is a given that Conflicts and disagreements are and will be part of any relationship. Avoiding conflicts is impossible and inevitable in a close and personal relationship. It is how you deal with the conflict that determines whether you feel closer to each other or you feel torn apart.  

For healthy relationships it very important for both the partners to learn to deal with conflicts in a healthy manner.  Here I share with you 5 steps that you can follow to deal with conflicts in your relationship in a healthy manner.

1. Manage your emotions

When your emotions are running high when you are agitated the first thing which goes out of the window is listening.  And when there is no listening there can’t be any understanding, or empathy or progress.

And whatever you communicate when you are an agitated state will be coloured by those emotions. Leading to even more misunderstandings and escalation. When you are highly frustrated or angry etc you might end up saying things which you don’t mean,  or your body language could communicate aggression or disrespect etc which could be hurtful to your partner.

So when either of you are experiencing heightened emotions are agitation it might help to you take a time out and calm down before you continue with the conversation.

2.  Listen and clarify.  You can disagree but first listen

When your partner is talking, you are already thinking of why that is wrong or incorrect and you are already preparing a response to it in your head.

Or you already have a bunch of assumptions and preconceived notions about your partner and look at anything that they say or do through those lenses – another contributor to misunderstandings.

So if you can stay in the here and now, keep away the assumptions and attempt to listen to what your partner is saying though you may disagree.  Then it is possible to get to know your partners point of view. May be you will find a bit of value in it. This allows you to empathize with each other.  And then you can state your point of view or your disagreement.

3. Stay on the subject

When the conflict is escalating, at some point of time you don’t have anything more to say. And you bring in a new issue or you bring back something from the past which has stayed unresolved and throw it in the mix. Something which you can use in your favour or to blame or accuse your partner.

It is important to stay on the subject that you are discussing and not bring in other issues in the moment till the time the current subject is addressed. Otherwise, the issue will not get resolved and you will go around in circles.  And this issue will get stored carefully to be dragged in, in to a future conflict.

4. Respect always, no matter what

No matter what the conflict is, it is critical that both parties maintain respect in the conversation. This includes raising voice, sarcasm, put downs, hurtful or bad language, calling names etc.  Or it could be communicated in body language like rolling of the eyes, walking away or turning away, even withdrawal and silent treatment etc. Aggression or abuse in any form is disrespectful.

Respect is one of the core pillars of the relationship. And being the middle of the conflict does not give you the licence to be disrespectful to each other.

5. Take Responsibility

Sometimes at the end of the conflict, the issue at hand might get resolved and both of you may come to an agreement.

Having said that, what was said and done during the process of the conflict also could have caused a whole bunch of hurt, pain, shame sadness etc.

It is important that you take responsibility for the hurt caused as you went through the process of conflict. Otherwise these emotions will remain unresolved and will come up in another conflict downstream.

Apologize, acknowledge the impact of your words or action or inaction on your partner.

The important question is have you learnt from this experience? There is no point in apologizing for something and doing the same thing again and again.

So the key questions to ask would be

Are you able to deal with conflicts in your relationship effectively?
Are you able to listen, clarity and respond with respect and take respossibilty?
Do you address and resolve the hurt or other emotions evoked in the process of conflict?
Are you able to look for a win-win solution or approach that works for the both of you?

If your conflicts remain unresolved in your relationship or conflicts keep escalating then it might be a good idea to seek relationship counselling or therapy. You can also seek couple therapy to improve your relationship even before these challenges arise.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post How to deal with conflicts in relationship in healthy way first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Relationship, romance, commitment, family that is the way that most of us want to go about in our life. We yearn to have a bonding, to share our life with our significant other. In the pursuit of that, despite our best intentions, many a times we find ourselves stuck in repetitive escalating conflicts and dissatisfaction in our ability to resolve those conflicts effectively.

In my professional practice of being a Couple therapist and Relationship counsellor, I have seen that romantic feelings are very essential for couple bonding, but they don’t last forever without consistent effort from both to keep the spark alive. Many couples come together with an expectation of “Happily Ever After” without understanding the effort needed to build that every day. Once they start living together or get married, they are slowly able to see the reality, sans the rose-tinted glasses.

How can repetitive escalating conflicts be addressed in therapy? Without dousing the raising flames, the underlying cause of the fire can’t be addressed.

My article on De-escalating conflicts in Couples published in “The South Asian Journal Of Transactional Analysis.”

De-Escalating Conflicts in Couples using Interlocking Racket Systems – Page 72.

http://www.saata.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/SAJTA-Volume-6-Number-2-Jul-2020.pdf

The post Escalating conflicts in couples. How to work through? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Currently, in the COVID-19-related quarantine times, we are talking about a new normal, which, per se, is stressful for everybody. Everyone is attempting to cope with the new, modified situations and challenges that come along with it. Given that change itself is stressful, under this stress, pre-existing issues become more visible and highly intense, leading to more conflicts spiralling out of control and lowered relationship satisfaction, above and beyond the new problems that have cropped up, with the quarantine.

Managing children at home with online classes, children unable to move out, everyone cooped at home, no external help available for domestic chores, anxiety around the disease, precautions, taking care of the elderly and family members who are at risk etc are the new challenges with quarantine.  Uncertainty regarding, what will happen and how will things be etc is the current reality.

Do you find yourself and your partner experiencing frayed nerves, being irritable, frustrated, snapping at each other, getting annoyed and angry, about each other and the situation?  Well, you are not alone.  That doesn’t make it any easy to navigate the situation any better.

8 ways to navigate your relationship issues in quarantine times.

1. Acknowledge that this is the new normal.

It is important that the both of you need to understand, acknowledge and accept that this is a new normal for now.  That it is stressful to the both of you and to your family. You need to find new and better ways of working together and living together.   Your usual activities of going to office, going out partying, spending time with friends, playing badminton or favourite sport, gym workouts, going to a movie, shopping in a mall, travel/trips etc have all been put on an indefinite pause. It is the current reality and you both need to acknowledge it.

2. Negotiate new rules / work arounds.

One of the major causes of frustration and annoyance is a realization of the stark contrast of the sharing of household domestic responsibilities. When one partner is going all around the house engaged in cleaning / cooking / other activities and the other partner is plonked in front of the TV or on the mobile or laptop all the time without a thought of helping, it’s a sign of brewing troubles to come. If this is the case in your family in the current situation this can lead to the risk of major discontent and burnout of one partner. Both of you can together renegotiate the sharing of household responsibilities and to have a fairly equitable share.

3. Be more sensitive to each other’s needs.

Being sensitive to each other needs will go a long way in creating that supportive bond in your relationship. If you have a child to take care of, offer to take care of the child when your partner is on important meeting or call. If there are elderly members in the family who do not agree your new sharing of responsibilities, it is important that the both of you sit with them and explain the need to do things in a better manner that works for everybody involved. Try not to take out your frustration or anger on each other. Remember – you are not each other’s punching bags. This is the time to be more sensitive and supportive of each other.  Agree on specific time lines and log out from work at that time.  If there is a need to extend work time, talk about it and inform your partner.

4. Delay major decisions.

It is possible that when some of these conflicts escalate you may feel compelled towards taking some drastic decisions. Any major decision is always better taken when you are in a calm state of mind, when your cognitive abilities as well as decision making capabilities are intact and effective. Major decisions need to be taken taking into account all the possible consequences and how prepared you are to deal/cope with them. It is preferable to postpone major decisions in the current situation, so that you don’t regret them later.

5. Take Timeouts.

When emotions are overflowing and you are not in a balanced frame of mind you may end up saying or doing things, which may be hurtful to each other. It is not practically possible to have a reasonable or rational conversation or to listen when you are agitated and your emotions are running pretty high. It is a good strategy to take a timeout to calm yourself down. You might choose to go to different room, have a glass of water, meditate, listen to music etc whatever works for you till the time you calm down. A timeout also has an indicated time after which you come back and resume the conversation in a calm manner. When one partner asks for a timeout the other partner needs to allow it and not go on and on with the conflict. Resuming the conversation, would ensure that the conflict doesn’t just get swept under the carpet.

6. Be connected but also give space.

This is especially a difficult time for everybody including you and your partner. It is a very important time for you both to be supportive of each other and stay connected with each other. At the same time it is important to realise that you are spending time in the same confines of your home 24/7 which can also be difficult.  Both of you will need your own space and time as well.  Agree and arrange for both of your needs to have some space for each of you. Talk about sex with each other and understand each other’s needs.  Lack of privacy and being at home all the time might increase or decrease your sexual desire.  Being open and talking about it with your partner, will make it easier to manage the difference if any in your needs and manage hurdles like privacy etc.

7. Old relationship issues re-surfacing.

Any pre-existing issues in your relationship could get aggravated in the current quarantine situation. These issues could be related to communication, responsibilities, parenting, finances, extended family – in laws, sharing house hold chores, other friendships and so on and can escalate as well. If these issues were not resolved till now, it is very unlikely that you can resolve this effectively now in the stressful environment. It would be good for the both of you to have a conversation that this is an existing problem and if it can be kept aside for now and look at possible alternatives temporarily that can work as of now.  You can also seek professional help with a relationship counselor or therapist to work with you.

8. Have other healthy coping strategies.

It is important for the both of you to identify other healthy coping strategies for yourself individually or together to deal with the stressful situation.  You may think of some new hobbies or revive some old hobbies that are feasible in the current situation.  Or take up some online courses in meditation or yoga to help yourself relax and also build your resilience. Eat healthy food and have adequate sleep to keep your immunity in a good place, apart from the recommended health and safety related practices.

If things become difficult, unmanageable or go out of hand, you can seek professional help, get counselling / therapy online over video calls either individually or as a couple. Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.  We provide online counselling over video calls for individuals and couples

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

The post Is Quarantine making your relationship worse first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Yes,  boundaries are very important in a Couple relationship.

When I say a couple relationship – I mean any kind of a committed relationship, which could be a marriage, or a live-in relationship or a boyfriend-girlfriend.  A very common joke regarding marriage is that a marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside can’t wait to get in and those who are inside can’t wait to come out. And it is true that many people are afraid that, getting into a committed relationship would curtail their freedom and not allow them to be themselves.  Yes, if you get into a relationship with an extremely controlling partner this could be the case which could border on abuse.

I am talking here about normal relationships that are not abusive. Then also there will be some changes in both the partners’ activities and behaviours that would be required to build up a healthy relationship.  Certain things that were OK to do before getting into a relationship might need to change based upon your partner’s preferences.  What is OK to do and NOT OK to do, would change depending upon your partner’s comfort levels and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you lose your freedom. This means that while taking care of your needs you also need to take into account your partner’s needs, comfort level, acceptance etc.  If you are doing certain things which are completely unacceptable to your partner you need to really take your partner’s opinion into consideration.

Boundaries also would apply to what you share with or how much you interact with someone else or how involved is someone else in your personal life and decisions as well. It would also apply to how much you are involved in someone else’s life. If these make you or your partner uncomfortable, it is time to revisit and realign these boundaries.

For example (Fictional), Nita and Sam were married since 2 years. Both were working and also lived independently in a separate apartment, and Sam’s parents lived about 3 Kms away.  Both parents were healthy, self sufficient and financially well.  Sam’s mother would insist that Sam and Nita visit them every other day.  When Nita didn’t want to keep going there so frequently, after 3 months into their marriage, Sam would visit on his own. Nita didn’t like it either.  All their decisions regarding what they want to purchase for their house, what they should do with their bonus, where they should go for their trips,  everything had to be discussed with Sam’s mother and she would have a say on it.  Some times when they didn’t agree, his mother would get upset as well. And this would cause conflicts between the couple.

In this example – Sam and Nita are not able to set up clear boundaries for their relationship, and Sam’s mother is so involved in their life that it creates significant discomfort to Nita. Though Sam’s mother would decide everything for Sam all these years, now continuing to do that creates trouble for the couple relationship.

Let’s take another (Fictional) example Rajat and Rupa were having lots of fights regarding Rajat wanting to go out to party/drink every Friday night at their usual Pub with his friends till late in the night.  Since Rupa doesn’t drink and doesn’t like noisy places she would not prefer to go.  Rajat’s argument was that, this has been his habit all through his adult life since about 6 years now.  Every one of his friends would meet up on Friday night and drink past midnight. And he would say that she is welcome to join.  He would say, why should I change what has been a part of my life all these years, just because I am married?  He strongly felt his freedom is being threatened. On top of that, his ex-girlfriend was also part of this friends group, which troubled Rupa even more.

In this example – Rajat and Rupa are not able agree on common boundaries about what activities in what frequency is acceptable to the both, the activity here is his Friday night drinking with his friends. His interaction with his ex-girlfriend also makes Rupa feel uncomfortable.

These are – what we call as boundaries of a relationship. Boundaries are needed to keep your relationship safe and not intended to curtail you or distance you away from others. Now that you are in a relationship, you need to not just think of yourself but also about your partner and your relationship as well. When people get into a relationship or a marriage without this understanding, they might feel suffocated and might feel that their freedom has been restricted.  To be ready, prepared and to have a good relationship/marriage also means to be willing to take into account your partner’s preferences, choices, comfort and acceptance as well.

Setting up clear boundaries for your relationship and adhering to them are one way of gaining and maintaining your partner’s trust. You respect each other when you respect each other’s boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. It builds greater intimacy between the couple and encourages more open communication and bonding.

Boundaries could be applicable for any kind of behavior, activity,  interaction that happens with anyone else outside the relationship be it, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, including ex-partners, ex-flames and other past relationships.  The specifics of these boundaries would vary based on what you both are OK with in each of these relationships, activities, behavior.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Why are boundaries very important in a Couple relationship? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Many a times couples do not understand the difference between a marriage and a wedding.

Marriage happens between two people – coming together and committing to love and live together for a long period of time.  A wedding is a celebration of the event of the marriage – and the participants could be the families, friends, relatives etc.

The wedding is a 1/2/3/10 day event.  Marriage is a lifelong event and happens till the couple are together, every day of the couple’s life.

This understanding is very essential for the couple to be able to own the marriage.  Both the partners in the marital relationship need to own the marriage for a fulfilling harmonious relationship.

Marriage is a loving, caring, nurturing, responsible relationship with a partner / spouse. Yes for a marital relationship to work, ownership of the marriage by the couple is absolutely essential.

In the Indian arranged marriage, many a times (not all) the girl or the boy gets pressurized to say “yes” to the alliance, for varied reasons like- increasing age, financial reasons, sibling’s marriage, relative’s pressures, family prestige, parents finding out about a love affair, many alliances didn’t work out and this one did, etc (the list is by no means exhaustive).

When there is no ownership, the couple may blame their parents when things don’t work out or when their expectations are not met by each other. But it is important to remember that, it is the couple who would primarily suffer and the blaming doesn’t help.

This could be a problem in love marriages as well, though the couple may not be able to blame the parents.

To own the marriage means

1. Taking responsibility for the decision of the marriage – yes even if your bride or groom was chosen by your parents. It is you who signs the marriage document or it is you who is the primary participant in the marriage along with your partner

2. Understanding the responsibilities that you are undertaking, when you enter into a marriage

3. Understanding the expectations that you have from the marriage and your spouse and keeping them at reasonable levels

4. Whatever problems arise between the two of you, though your families may provide support or help, it is the two of you who would need to resolve the issues.

5. Any event in the marriage – good/bad,  it is the couple who get impacted primarily

When ownership of the marriage is lacking, any issues or conflicts that come up in the marriage (which will), the couple find it very difficult to face the problems and deal with them as a couple effectively.

In Pre-marital counselling, this key component of ownership of the marriage is emphasized.  Couples who are planning to get married (love / arranged), as well as married couples can benefit from this understanding.

To know more, or to fix an appointment, call us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

We provide counselling services at different locations in Bangalore – Jayanagar, Koramangala, Marathahalli, Mahadevpura.

The post Ownership of the Marriage first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.