As a counsellor / therapist one of my focus areas with my clients would be to help them build / enhance a healthy support system around themselves. One such support system could be having good friends and this is one of the significant steps in their progress.

Friendship is defined as “a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people” (Britannica.com)

We make a lot of friends throughout our life and there are many different kinds of friends that we may come across. And I am not definitely talking about the friends list from social media. Whoever comes into our life has a role to play, some for a short duration and some for long. Some may be fun to be around, have interesting stories to tell, some you may have common interests with, work colleagues, neighbours etc. Many may come into your life and many may move out too.  

Here are a few types of friends, whom if you are fortunate to have, are to be cherished and not let go.

1. A friend who believed in you when you yourself didn’t.

When you are doing well there will be a lot of people around you to praise you and want your company. But when things are not going good for you, who is the person who believes in you, when you are doubting yourself.  The one who tells you, you can do it, it is just a matter of time, focused effort and encourages you to stay on track.

2. A friend who calls a spade a spade.

Times when you are about to make a mistake or already did, your friend calls out your behaviour in private and tells you that you are making a mistake or a blunder.  In public they still have your back and help you address or sort out the mistake / issue.

3. A friend who makes time for you and listens to you.

A lot of people would spend time with you when it is convenient for them.  The friend who makes time for you even if it is inconvenient for them is valuable. One of the most precious gift that someone can offer you is the gift of time and attention. They offer you true listening and not judge you.

4. A friend who offers you safety and keeps your secrets.

This friend doesn’t gossip. What you shared with them does not go anywhere from them. You feel safe talking and sharing with them with the knowledge and confidence that what you share with them will remain with them and will not be used against you.

Having good friends can reduce the level of stress, enable you to cope with challenges in a healthy manner and lead to over all enrich your life in multiple ways.

Recognize and value these friendships.  They add value to your life and help you grow as a person and be better as a person.

What to you think? Can you think of other highly valuable friendships? Add in the comments section.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 4 types of friends to cherish and not let go first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

You have been in therapy for a while and if you feel stuck and you not progressing for quite some time, what can you do about it? Therapy/counselling is a process and it takes time, effort and involvement. So don’t jump to this conclusion very quickly without going through the process.

1. Talk to your therapist about how you feel about therapy.

Talk to your therapist and bring it up.  Express how you feel about therapy and your therapist, even if you think it is not positive, there is value in expressing how you feel and processing it with your therapist. That itself could be a therapeutic process and might help you move forward.

You can discuss what works and what doesn’t for you, where you feel stuck and what do want from the therapy process.  Your therapist will take your concerns seriously without becoming defensive and perhaps could change their approach / pace and would openly discuss with you and collaborate to address your concerns.

2. Reflect on what is your level of involvement in the therapy process.

Therapy is an involved process.  It is a purposeful relationship that you and your therapist are voluntarily involved in, towards a defined outcome. Are you only discussing on and on about your problems? Therapy is a space where you seek change. Your therapist cannot make you change, its an internal process which can only be facilitated for you, with your consent.

It’s a good practice to reflect on, “What am I here for?  What am I willing to do to reach my defined purpose? What feelings emerge for me, when I think of change or moving forward?” This could be starting from doing the activity/homework that you agreed upon or reflection/introspection process or journaling and so on. Your therapist may gently explore with you if there are any payoffs (hidden benefits) for remaining where you are.

There might be unconscious ties to your current situation, behaviour, relationships which could be painful but familiar to you from your own past history.  Familiarity could be perceived unconsciously as safety and a change be seen as dangerous unknown territory. 

3. Are you able to be open and honest with your therapist?

How open and honest are you with your therapist? Do you feel safe and comfortable to talk to your therapist about anything about yourself or your experiences? Have you hidden or avoided discussing any important incidents or experiences which come up for you? Clients can experience guilt, shame in disclosing about certain aspects of their lives or about their childhood or their parents/loved ones.

These could have relevance to the current issue that you are facing. Is there something that is making you feel hesitant to share important details with your therapist?

Therapy is a collaborative process, and without your cooperation and full involvement, the therapist cannot facilitate the change that you are looking for.

4. If you have a clinical condition, you could consider medication.

If you are depressed or anxious and once a week therapy is not showing progress, you perhaps may need a different form of therapy or a clinical intervention or see a medical practitioner.  Your therapist could possibly recommend you to see a qualified psychiatrist or provide a referral too.  If needed you can also request for / your therapist also could recommend a change in the frequency of your therapy sessions.

If you meet with a psychiatrist and are prescribed medications, it is your responsibility to stay on medication be in regular contact with your psychiatrist as advised. Medication in conjunction with therapy could help you progress forward.

5. You can also look for another therapist. 

If still things don’t work you can talk to your therapist and close the process and find yourself a new therapist. Sometimes there could be specific personality aspects between the client and therapist that may not allow for a good therapeutic alliance to develop. Your therapist may be able to provide you an appropriate referral suitable for you. Do not drop off from therapy abruptly without discussing about it with your therapist.  I contract with my clients to have a discussion with me if they choose to terminate therapy before the agreed upon goals are met or for any other reasons whatsoever.

Before arriving at that decision of looking for a new therapist, do reflect on how many therapists have you changed till now.  If the answer is many, then that is an important aspect to reflect and work through. Another therapist in a long list of therapists will not help unless this is addressed.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 5 things to do if you think therapy is not working for you first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What do counsellors and therapists do when they have problems in their own lives?

Professional Counsellors and Therapists are “surprisingly” – “people after all”.

It is like – just because a person is a doctor doesn’t mean that they will not have any physical ailments or get any diseases.  Yes, since the person is a doctor, the awareness of the ailment may be more and they could seek appropriate help/treatment earlier.

Likewise, counsellors and therapists also will have their own problems in life as well. They could face challenges wrt their health, family, relationships/marriage, children/parenting, financial troubles, ageing and life stage related issues and so on.  Professional counsellors and therapists do strive to address the challenges in their lives at the earliest possible by either through introspection, problem solving or through self work, personal growth with their own therapists etc.

They are continuously on the path of self growth and self improvement in their own personal lives as well.  Their professional boundaries, when they are in the therapist’s seat, typically do not allow them to bring up any personal situations to a client unless it is of significant therapeutic value to the client. What it means is that the therapist does not discuss and disclose one’s own personal challenges and situations with the client as a general rule.

When the counsellor is facing any kind of personal crises or tragedy they are usually recommended to take a break and recover from the same before they can continue work with clients. It is important and an ethical requirement for the therapist to ensure that their personal crises do not in any way affect the quality of therapy that they are providing to the clients as well as not interfere in the process as well.

What’s important is whether the counsellor is able to establish a good therapeutic relationship with the client. Is the counsellor able to keep their own personal thoughts, positions, opinions, personal situations etc., distinct from the therapeutic dialogue? Is the counsellor able to maintain an objective stance aligned towards the client goals?

In their own personal work and growth process, the counsellor is able to identify understand and address, to deal with or cope with their own personal challenges.  With this foundation in place the therapist can move forward and facilitate the process of change as chosen by the client towards the client goals.

To accomplish these, professional counsellors and therapists need to follow certain things regularly.

1. Be aware of their own challenges

The counsellor needs to have a certain level of self awareness to know what are their strengths and weaknesses, what are the problems that they are facing in their lives and have the strength and conviction to work on those problems.

2. Strive to address them personal introspection, personal therapy for themselves

Counsellors are expected to be in personal therapy themselves with their own therapist. There is a lot of introspection, awareness, self work involved.  There needs to be a continuous process of self improvement and personal growth.

3. Be aware of any parallel conditions/processes

Counsellors/therapists need to be aware of any parallel situations/processes that come up for them when they are providing therapy for their clients.  If the therapist had lost their parent as a child and a client brings in a similar issue, and if the therapist is impacted by the same or relates to the client more than the therapeutic relationship, then take such cases for supervision with a senior Counsellor

4. Engage in self care activities

Ensure that they take care of themselves.  Self care strategies could range from taking a break, travelling, meditation, exercise, mindfulness, engage in other areas of interest and hobbies, foster a healthy social circle including family, friends and professional connects etc,  to rejuvenate themselves, to gain a healthy perspective, be in a positive frame as required.  These will help therapists also avoid burnout and over extending themselves.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Do counsellors and therapists also have problems in life?  first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.