How to choose your partner – be it a marriage or a committed relationship? What factors do you want to consider when you get into a serious committed relationship like a marriage?

Many of my clients, who are considering getting into a committed relationship/marriage, ask me this question.  How will I know who is the right partner for me?  How will I know that we will get along in future, even if we get along now? What if it doesn’t work?  And what if someone better comes along? What if we get bored of each other?  Am I settling by making a choice right now?

If you want to be in a serious committed relationship with someone, be sure that you really like them, and that you do want to be in a relationship with them – not because it is convenient, not because it is getting late, not because everybody else have, not because of parental pressure, not because sex is great.

You get into a relationship if you both really like each other, if you like spending time with the person, enjoy their company, want to be with them, want to make them happy, make yourself happy with them, want to take care of them, want to be taken care by them, want to know their thoughts, opinions, interests, fears, dreams, feelings and emotions. Be comfortable that the major values and outlook on life and future plans are more or less aligned that both of you have some common interests etc.

You get married or get into a more committed relationship if you really want to spend your life with them.  Marriage is not just a ceremony or just a legal tie.  It is an interest; it’s an investment in another person – an investment of time, effort, energy, emotions, and joint decisions.  It is a companionship that you both enjoy, someone you love even with their shortcomings, flaws and annoying habits. Someone that you are willing to accept.  Someone with whom you fight but kiss and makeup.  Someone that you miss when they are not around.  It is the commitment to take care of someone, to nurture, to take part in the other person success as well as failure, happiness and troubled times.

All these things may not come by default to the both of you, and you may have to put effort to build this strong bond between the two of you.  It is also important that effort comes from both of you for the relationship. 

In arranged marriages couples might find all this excitement and challenges after marriage too.  No matter whether it is Love / Arranged marriage – it is better that the marriage is by your choice/decision and that you both own the marriage and both commit to make it happen.

It is not practically possible that the initial excitement, rush and heady feelings will last forever. Sometimes boredom will creep in.  It is for the couple to keep the spark alive and put in effort to keep it interesting and exciting.

It is possible that someone better – better looks/far more qualified/better personality/ better finances etc might come along.  And in some circumstances they might even show interest in you. Let us be clear – there is no one perfect partner, and there will always be someone better.  Love is a choice; it is a choice to fall in love with the same person again and again.  Be prepared to make this choice with your partner when you decide to get married.

In today’s fast paced world, where everything is available at fingertips, where all your needs are instantly gratified, relationships/marriage is one area where both of you need to put in effort to make it a fulfilling relationship. Being prepared and ready for that, in the long haul is one of the key criteria to keep in mind.

We work with young individuals and couples who plan to get married on these areas of focus.  Pre-marital counselling helps the person / couple to get clarity about the reasons why they are getting married and make a choice of their partner and be prepared for the rigors of a relationship like a marriage.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.

The post Getting married! What if it doesn’t work? What if someone better comes along? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.