In any conflict situation or other situation as well, it is possible that some action or inaction, things that you said or didn’t say, could have caused some emotional hurt, pain, anger, sadness, shame etc. to your partner.

So how do you repair the damage caused?

How would you know if your apology is adequate enough or effective enough to redress the hurt caused in your partner? Though I am using the term partner for a relationship, you can apply these concepts to any other relevant context also.

First of all, the question to ask yourself is – do you truly understand what is the extent of hurt caused with respect to your words, actions or inaction?

If your answer is, “I don’t know and it doesn’t matter”, then don’t even bother to apologize, cause your apology doesn’t mean anything. If how the other person feels doesn’t matter to you then the relationship also doesn’t really matter to you.

When the relationship is important to you, then it is important to repair the damage caused. If you value the person or the relationship then what you could do is to acknowledge and apologize. What really constitutes this apology? What makes an effective apology?

Is your apology as strong as the hurt that your actions have caused to the other person? The apology that you offer needs to be commensurate to the hurt or pain caused by your actions. Unless you truly and genuinely understand this, you may end up offering an apology with respect to your own understanding rather than the reality of the other person. This may not be adequate enough to address the issue and the hurt caused.

Let’s explore this tricky but essential aspect of relationships. Before we go into how to offer a genuine heartfelt apology , Let us quickly look at what is not an apology.

1. When you don’t really mean it.

When you just say sorry for the sake of saying it rather than actually meaning it or regretting the cause behind it or without even an understanding what happened, it is of no use. And things will not change for the better moving forward.

2. When the “but” buts in.

So, you tell your partner – “I know I came late from office on our date night, but you know how unpredictable my work is”

You are blaming the situation for your late arrival. not really focusing on how that impacted your partner.  And once the but comes in, it perhaps becomes a justification which cancels out the intended apology.

3. “Yes I raised my voice – but you also irritated me or you also hurt me earlier”.

Here you are not taking responsibility for your part in the issue. Blaming the other person is not an apology.

4.”I am sorry if my words or action hurt you.”

“If” – do you really know the impact of your words or action on your partner?

5. “Ok I told sorry right?  what else you want from me?”

I don’t have to explain that for sure. Your tone and body language communicate more than your words. There is absolutely no regret there.

6. “I am sorry that I did that. Is it such a crime? Aren’t you over reacting?”

You are defending yourself and completely invalidating your partner’s experience. Be prepared for an escalation, worsening of the situation and definitely no reparation.

7. “I’m sorry that I did but I never intended to hurt you. “

Whether you intended to hurt or not, hurt has been caused. Are you willing to take responsibility even if it was done inadvertently?

8. “I am sorry. I am such a lousy person. what can you expect out of me?”

Whether you blame the other person or blame your own self l for that matter, it is of no use because you aren’t taking responsibility. Situation will not improve.

Now that we have talked about what is not an apology, let’s look at how to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

1. Do you truly understand what really was the impact on your partner?

If you don’t, please talk to them and ask about it. Have a conversation with an intent to understand. They may blame you or accuse you in the moment, but be patient to understand their point of view.

You can say – “I know I did that. And I see that you are very hurt or saddened by my actions. Would you like to talk to me about it?” And listen attentively when they open up and share.

If they say that they need time, give them time, but then approach them again on the topic. Do not deny, defend or justify your actions. Then it’s not an apology and it would only worsen the situation.

2. Are you willing to take responsibility for your contribution?

There could have been many reasons that might have led to that action that you did that hurt your partner. And you might not have intended to hurt.

“I hear you. What I said that day has really hurt you.  I shouldn’t have said that. I can see how hurtful it would have been for you”

The intent is to empathize and to Validate your partner’s experience. Once they have come down emotionally, and willing to accept your apology, then you can clarify that you didn’t really intend to hurt them.

3. Is it your apology followed up by a corrective reparative action?

How are you going to make up for the hurt caused? What have you learnt from this experience? How are things going to be different and better in future?

You can say “I know I hurt you. I feel terrible about it. how can I make it up to you?”

If they are willing to receive your apology then offer how you would do things differently in the future. But don’t rush to the future. If your partner wants to talk more or discuss more about what really happened listen to them patiently with an intent to understand.

Once they have expressed whatever they want to completely, then you can talk about the future. “I promise that I will talk to you more respectfully and won’t ignore you in future. I assure you of that”.

There is no point in apologizing if you are going to do the same thing again and again. Make sure there is a change in your approach and behaviour going forward.

So in Summary – here are the 3 steps to follow to offer our heartfelt and genuine apology

1. Understand the impact of your actions on your partner. Listen to them encourage them to express themselves.
|2. Take responsibility for your contribution
3. Ensure you take a corrective reparative action and not to repeat the same thing again.

Having said that, it is important that your partner also is willing to receive your apology.

A genuine apology can mend and heal the damage to the relationship. An apology without a real change is just manipulation.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post How to Apologize when You Hurt Someone you Love? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Conflicts are a normal part of any relationship. Especially among partners conflicts could be dealt with in a healthy manner with the intent of resolving the underlying issue. And when conflicts are resolved both with respect to the issue at hand and
the emotions involved the partners can feel more closer to each other, more secure in the relationship and more connected with each other. And yet a genuine sorry or a heart felt apology seems to be the hardest to communicate in relationships.

An apology is important, when one partner says/does something or does not say/do something which hurts the other partner. There could be many reasons why the other partner is hurt – harsh language, disrespect, sarcasm, and so on.  It is important to remediate the damage caused by these behaviours on the other partner and the relationship. Taking responsibility for one’s own actions or in actions also would include owning and making up for the damage caused and not repeating it again and again.

When sorry seems to be the hardest word between partners, the hurt, pain, and anger build up into resentment in the long run.

There could be many reasons why one partner may not apologize or may not be willing to address the hurt caused to the other partner. Let us try to explore some of the reasons in this article.

1. If I apologize, I lose power/face in the relationship

When the couple is engaged in a power struggle, every interaction is aligned or directed towards gaining or losing power.  The person might feel that if they take ownership of their behaviour and apologize they may end up losing power in the context of the relationship. They might also feel that their partner may bring it up again and again to use it against them.

The problem in this approach is that the power struggle is perpetuated among the partners and every interaction becomes an instance of this power struggle.

2. I can get away with it

When there is already a power imbalance among the partners it is possible that the more powerful partner might believe that they can get away with whatever they did or didn’t do without having to take responsibility or apologize for the same.  They might believe that it after sometime it will be forgotten and things will come back to normalcy.

The problem here is that issues remain unresolved and so do the negative emotions in the relationship, which over a period of time becomes resentment and perhaps even further along become hopelessness and contempt.

3. I will not acknowledge or minimize the impact of it

The offending partner might perceive the impact of the issue as minimal on the other partner, and thereby reduce their own responsibility in the problem at hand. By this, the issue is trivialized, and the other partner’s feelings are invalidated.

When this happens over a period of time, the other partner feels disrespected, invalidated can impact their self esteem negatively.

For example, “It is such a small issue, why do you have to make a big deal out of it? Why do you have to take it so seriously? You don’t have to get so upset about it”.

4. I will justify, because I didn’t intend to

The offending partner believes that there is an underlying reason for their own behaviour, which justifies the mistake. Or they may justify that they didn’t intend to hurt their partner. They do not take into consideration the other partner’s feelings. 

Whether one intends to or not when an action or inaction has hurt the other person, the damage caused to the relationship is real. The justification will not take away the hurt caused.

5. It is shameful to admit a mistake

The offending partner might know that what they did was a mistake, but they believe that admitting the mistake is shameful or that they are admitting their weakness. The person might gloss over their mistake or minimise the impact on the other person so that they don’t have to admit to the mistake.  When there is no real acknowledgement, the effort to remediate is also minimal or non-existent.

6. Blaming is easier

Blaming can happen in two ways. One is to blame the other and the other is to blame self. In blaming the other there is definitely no scope for taking responsibility. For example, “You were not answering my questions, you made me angry and that’s why I broke the mobile”

On the other hand, blaming oneself is also not taking responsibility.  For example, “What can I do, I am a bad person, what else can be expected from me”? In both scenarios, responsibility is avoided, and there is no real possibility for a remedial action.

7. It doesn’t bother me

In this case whether the other partner is hurt or not doesn’t bother the offending partner. They might not care about the impact of their actions are in actions on their partner.

In this situation the offending partner may not be able to empathize with the hurt partner. It is also possible that they are not able to understand the impact or the extent of impact on the other.

8. Saying sorry but not meaning it.

They might say the word sorry but don’t mean it. They don’t intend to change the way they do things.  Saying sorry but not taking responsibility doesn’t mean anything. Saying sorry but repeating the same behavior again and again could also indicate disrespect and disregard for the other person.

Read more about how to apologize genuinely to redress the hurt caused in the other person?

www.innerdawn.in/2020/02/04/is-your-apology-strong-enough/

Couple therapy / relationship counselling is one of the avenues for the couple to explore the challenges that they are facing, gain new perspectives and understanding of each other and learn to address the relationship needs among the partners. They are enabled to explore their relationship dynamics in a warm, confidential and neutral space to find new and healthier ways of relating.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.

The post 8 reasons why Sorry seems to be the hardest word first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

If you had done something deliberately or inadvertently that had hurt the other person, and you value the person or the relationship then you tend to apologize. What really constitutes this apology? What makes an effective apology?

Is your apology as strong as the hurt that your actions have caused to the other person? Lets explore this tricky but essential aspect of relationships.

How would you know if your apology is adequate enough or effective enough to redress the hurt caused in the other person?

First of all the question to ask yourself is – do you understand what is the extent of hurt caused in the other person with respect to your words, actions or inaction?

If your answer is I don’t know and it doesn’t matter, then don’t even bother to apologize, cause your apology doesn’t mean anything.  If how the other person feels doesn’t matter to you then the relationship also doesn’t really matter to you.

If you don’t know, ask the other person, talk to them. Have a conversation with an intent to understand. They may blame you or accuse you in the moment, but be patient to understand their point of view. Empathize with them. Do not defend or justify your actions. Then it’s not an apology.

The apology that you offer needs to be commensurate to the hurt or pain caused by your actions. Unless you truly and genuinely understand this you may end up offering an apology with respect to your own understanding rather than the reality of the other person. This may not be adequate enough to address the issue and the hurt caused.

Did you insult the other person? Did you do it in front of others?  

Did the person feel disrespected by you?  Were they ashamed that they were insulted or put down in front of others? Given them a chance to tell you how they felt about it, even vent about it.  Take responsibility for your actions. If you insulted or put down the other person in front of others, then was your apology also offered in front of others?

Did you act or not take any action or offer adequate support to someone in trouble?

Are you aware how it affected the other person? Did they feel neglected, taken for granted or felt indifference towards them?  The question to ask would be what are you trying to achieve by the apology? Ask yourself if it is a half-hearted attempt or are you willing to take responsibility for your words, action or inaction.

Acknowledge what you did or didn’t do.

Taking responsibility for your actions or inactions is a key aspect.  Express to the other person that you accept responsibility for your behaviour. Express how you feel about it, express remorse if you feel so genuinely.

How are you going to make up for it?

Yes it is true that you cannot take away the pain that was already endured. You cannot remove the hurt or shame that was felt. There is no time machine to go back into the past and undo what was done.  A genuine, heartfelt apology or an acknowledgement is what you can offer, with a promise to learn from it, not to repeat it again and to look at how you are going to make up for it.

What are you willing to do about similar situations in future?

A true apology is about taking responsibility for your actions or inactions, understanding the impact on it on the other person, feeling contrite – feeling or expressing remorse at the recognition that one has done wrong and a resolution to not repeat the same again or act in a more considerate manner in future.  Apologizing for something and repeating the same again in future erodes the quality of the relationship.

A genuine apology mends and heals the damage to the relationship.  If it is not genuine, then it creates even more damage to both the individuals and the relationship. An apology without a real change is just manipulation.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.

The post Is your apology strong enough? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.