Many adults carry invisible wounds that had their origins in their childhood. They began in a classroom, playground, neighbourhood, and other spaces. For many children, bullying is not a passing phase. It is an experience that quietly shapes how they see themselves, how they trust others, and how they navigate relationships for years to come.

A cruel nickname repeated every day. Being left out of every game. Rumours whispered behind their back. Teachers dismissing concerns as “children being children.” Parents being told their child is “too sensitive.”

The recent Deccan Herald article, “When Cries for Help Go Unheard: The Lifelong Scars of School Bullying,” brings attention to this often-overlooked reality through the stories of survivors whose emotional pain continued long after they left school. My views on the psychological impact of bullying were featured in the article, highlighting why children’s pleas for help should never be dismissed.

https://www.deccanherald.com/amp/story/india/karnataka/bengaluru/when-cries-for-help-go-unheard-the-lifelong-scars-of-school-bullying-4073817

Bullying Doesn’t End When School Ends

Many people assume that childhood bullying is something children eventually “grow out of.”

The truth is more complicated. While the bullying may stop, the situation may change over time, yet the beliefs children develop about themselves often remain.

Children naturally depend on adults to help them make sense of difficult experiences. When those adults fail to recognise or respond to bullying, children frequently draw painful conclusions:

• Something must be wrong with me.
• I deserve to be treated this way.
• Nobody will protect me.
• Speaking up doesn’t help.

These beliefs rarely stay confined to childhood. They often become the foundation for anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, over-compensation, difficulties trusting others in adulthood, etc.

When Children’s Cries for Help Go Unheard

In the Deccan Herald article, I shared an observation I see repeatedly in therapy:

When children’s repeated cries for help are dismissed, they often begin to believe something is inherently wrong with them. During their growing years, this message can become deeply internalised, leaving them vulnerable to anxiety, depression and low self-worth well into adulthood.

This is perhaps one of the most damaging consequences of bullying. The child is no longer only fighting the bully. They begin fighting themselves. Their inner dialogue slowly becomes another bully, criticising, doubting and blaming them long after the original bullying has ended.

Isolation or being excluded Can Hurt as Much as Physical Bullying

When people think about bullying, they often imagine physical aggression. But emotional exclusion can be equally devastating. Being deliberately ignored, excluded from group activities, classmates who refuse to speak to you, erstwhile friends now no longer.  Watching everyone else belong while you stand alone.

Social isolation sends a powerful psychological message to children: You don’t belong.

Because human beings are wired for connection, repeated experiences of exclusion activate the same emotional pain pathways associated with physical injury. This can result in feelings of loneliness, shame, social anxiety and chronic self-doubt that persist for years or may show up when facing stressful situations even in adulthood.

The Long-Term Mental Health Effects of Bullying

Research consistently shows that prolonged bullying increases the risk of:

• Anxiety disorders
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Social anxiety
• Difficulty trusting others
• Challenge managing emotions
• Relationship challenges
• Self-harm and suicidal thoughts in severe cases

Many adults seeking therapy today are not simply processing recent stress. They are revisiting experiences from childhood that were never acknowledged or healed.

Why Some Children Never Tell Anyone

Adults often ask
“Why didn’t they tell someone?”
Many children do.
The bigger question is:
“What happened after they did?”

When their concerns are minimised…
If they’re told to “ignore it”…
Or teachers defend the bullies or don’t take it seriously…
If parents dismiss it as normal…

Children quickly learn that asking for help is unsafe. Silence becomes a survival strategy. Ironically, this silence is many a time mistaken for resilience.

What Parents and Schools Can Do Differently

Preventing lifelong emotional harm requires more than anti-bullying policies. It requires availability of emotionally safe adults for children. Parents and educators can make an enormous difference by:

• Taking every report of bullying seriously. Offering a safe space for children to express their feelings and share their experiences/
• Listening without immediately offering solutions or judgment. The more the adults are into devices, the less listening the children get.
• Looking beyond physical injuries to notice emotional withdrawal or any significant changes in behaviour.
• Encouraging children to describe their experiences without fear of blame.
• Responding consistently rather than treating incidents as isolated events.
• Taking appropriate action commensurate to the incident.  Teachers can discuss with colleagues and seniors to arrive at solutions.
• Having a firm policy around bullying and ensuring that all students, teachers and parents are aware of it and collaborate to ensure a safe environment for all.
• Creating classrooms where empathy and inclusion are actively practised.

Children may forget every lesson taught in school. But they rarely forget whether they felt safe there.

Healing Is Possible

Adults who experienced bullying often believe they should have “moved on by now.” Healing doesn’t happen because time passes.  Healing happens when painful experiences are finally understood, validated and processed.

Therapy can help people recognise that the shame they carry was never theirs to begin with. As they rebuild self-worth and healthier ways of relating to others, many discover that their childhood no longer has to define their future. The scars may tell a story, but they do not have to write the ending.

Read the Full Article

My comments on the lifelong psychological impact of school bullying were featured in the Deccan Herald article:

When Cries for Help Go Unheard: The Lifelong Scars of School Bullying

Final Thoughts

Bullying is often dismissed as a childhood experience that children will eventually “grow out of.” Yet for many adults, the echoes of those experiences continue to influence confidence, relationships and mental wellbeing decades later.

Every child deserves to know that when they speak up, someone will listen and that they will be believed and supported in their difficult experience. Because sometimes the most powerful intervention is not having the perfect answer. It is making sure a child never has to feel alone in their pain.

Also read 5 ways by which we inadvertently encourage or condone online bullying/shaming/trolling | Inner Dawn Counselling

About the Author

Kala Balasubramanian is a Psychotherapist, CTA, PTSTA (Psychotherapy), Trainer, Supervisor, and Founder of Inner Dawn Counselling and Training Services LLP. She works with individuals, couples, groups, and organisations to foster emotional wellbeing, healthier relationships, resilience, and psychologically safe workplaces. Her work focuses on helping people understand the impact of stress, relationships, communication patterns, and emotional health on everyday life.

The post Bullying, Scars that last from school to adult life first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

A recent survey in Bengaluru has sparked urgent conversations among parents, educators, and mental health professionals. With over 11,000 responses, the findings reveal a concerning emotional landscape for children navigating social media and the digital world.

Read the full article here: https://www.deccanherald.com/india/karnataka/bengaluru/social-media-linked-to-anxiety-anger-among-children-in-bengaluru-survey-3932228

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on the 15^th March 2026.

What the survey reveals

The data paints an unsettling picture of children’s online experiences:

• 41% of families reported children experiencing fear and anxiety due to negative online interactions
• 31% of children faced cyberbullying or trolling
• 29% encountered blackmail or coercion
• 33% received abusive messages from strangers (Deccan Herald)

This isn’t just about screen time anymore. It’s about physical and emotional safety in digital spaces.

The psychological impact of social media

Social media, when unregulated, is a space of comparison, validation-seeking, and exposure to harm. Children and adolescents are especially vulnerable because their emotional regulation systems are still developing.

The survey links social media exposure to:

• Increased anxiety and fear
• Rising anger and irritability
• Heightened sensitivity to peer validation and rejection
• Exposure to online trolling and bullying
• Online grooming, manipulation, and abuse by catfishing
• Exposure to age-inappropriate content

Over time, this can shape self-worth, relationships, identity and attention span. It also impacts the capacity for empathy adversely and the quality of real-world connections.

Psychotherapist Kala Balasubramanian’s perspective

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian offers a nuanced understanding that moves beyond blaming technology.

• Social media often amplifies existing emotional vulnerabilities, rather than creating them in isolation
• Children lack the psychological tools to process online hostility, making even minor incidents feel overwhelming
• The digital world can blur boundaries, where private emotional experiences become public and persistent
• When children are exposed to screens and online content very early, they get hooked on the dopamine-based addictive content and games.  Social media, short-form videos, and games act like digital drugs, offering dopamine hits through instant rewards and stimulation.
• Mobiles and screens have become the ubiquitous digital pacifier that parents today offer to young children
• When parents themselves immerse themselves in their mobile phones and screens, it is not surprising that the children are as well.  

The conversation cannot be just about restricting access alone, but about building emotional resilience and digital literacy.  Beyond the laws, as a society, we need to take responsibility in our own families, as parents and caregivers.

Why addressing the impact of social media on children matters more than ever

Today’s children are growing up in a hybrid reality where offline and online worlds constantly overlap. A conflict in school doesn’t end at the school gate, it can follow them home through social media and notifications.

Instead of policing screens, can we invite open conversations.

• Create open conversations about online experiences without judgment
• Teach children to recognise unsafe interactions and seek help
• Encourage critical thinking rather than passive consumption
• Model healthy tech boundaries at home

Moving forward: From control to connection

Social media isn’t going away. Laws are being considered to restrict the usage of social media for youngsters.  The goal is not to raise children who fear the digital world, but those who can navigate it with awareness, confidence, and emotional grounding.

Are you concerned about how mobile usage and social media is impacting your child?
Let’s start a conversation. Reach out to explore how therapy and guidance can support your child’s emotional well-being in a digital age. But long before there comes the need for therapy, I believe it is important for parents to build awareness as to the impact of screens and social media on their wards and to address these patterns at the earliest.

The post Damage from social media on children and adolescents first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Urban traffic isn’t just a daily grind. For many Bengaluru commuters, it’s a pressure cooker where tempers flare, and frustrations spill over into dangerous on-road confrontations. According to a recent Deccan Herald report, law enforcement in the city is now aggressively targeting repeat road rage offenders in an effort to make streets safer for everyone.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured on Deccan Herald on 19-Dec-25

The Road Rage Reality in Bengaluru

Bengaluru’s fast-paced lifestyle and busy roads make it fertile ground for commuter stress. But when frustration turns into aggressive driving, i.e., honking, tailgating, verbal threats or even physical altercations, it’s no longer just stress; it’s a public safety issue.

Police authorities have acknowledged a rising trend of repeat offenders who exhibit dangerous road behaviour and have pledged to intervene more robustly to prevent escalation.

Road rage is a lived reality for millions of city drivers, passengers, delivery workers and pedestrians. The consequences can be increased risk of traffic accidents, stress and anxiety for regular commuters, escalation into violent confrontations, damage to property and public infrastructure etc.

By cracking down on repeat offenders, Bengaluru officials are signalling that irresponsible driving behaviour will not be tolerated, and that roads are shared spaces requiring mutual respect.

What the Police Action Entails

The crackdown includes several key components designed to curb repeat offences and change driving culture over the long term:

• Identification of repeat offenders: Traffic cops are monitoring and logging drivers involved in multiple road-rage incidents.
• Stricter enforcement: Repeat offenders face heavier fines, penalties and possible legal action.
• Public awareness campaigns: Police are educating motorists on safe driving etiquette, and the legal repercussions of aggressive behaviour on the road.

The objective shouldn’t be just punishment. It needs to be deterrence and behaviour change, ensuring that public roads are safe for families, commuters, two-wheelers and pedestrians alike.

Are laws and enforcement enough to make safer roads?

As a Psychologist, I believe that many times, the emotions that are piled up in different situations can get violently expressed on the road as rage.

For example, if you are frustrated at work with a co-worker or angry with a family member at home, and you are not able to express it appropriately to them, or repeated instances of frustration get piled up within, then it can get displaced onto the road at other commuters.

It is important to understand the emotional triggers that lead to aggression. Understanding our own emotions, finding ways to regulate them allows us to respond appropriately to not just our own emotions but also to others empathically.

I believe that legislation alone is inadequate. Enforcement needs to be consistent. Having said that, we need to learn and teach Emotional Literacy/Emotional Regulation/Appropriate Expression/Empathy at school and at home.

When these elements work together, the outcome can be a culture shift in driving norms, not just a temporary crackdown.

The post Road Rage: Actions by Bengaluru Police, What more is needed. first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

In today’s fast-changing social landscape, young adults are putting mental health at the heart of their relationships. This shift is especially visible among Bengaluru’s Gen-Z and young millennials, a cohort reshaping how we think about connection, commitment and emotional health. According to relationship experts, this isn’t just a trend; it’s a fundamental change in priorities and relational values.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 19-Nov-25.

Gen-Z and Emotional Literacy: Red Flags, Boundaries, and Compatibility

Five years ago, terms like toxic, gaslighting or attachment styles were mainly clinical jargon. Today, they’re part of everyday conversations among young partners and daters. This heightened emotional vocabulary reflects a generation that:

• Recognises red flags early
• Prioritises healthy boundaries
• Values self-awareness and mutual respect

Instead of suppressing discomfort, Gen-Z engages in conscious relationship building, treating emotional intelligence as a core aspect of compatibility.

Why Mental Health Now Trumps Old Relationship Norms

 Several surveys indicate that a majority of young adults in India are comfortable discussing mental health with partners and see emotional support as a key component of a strong relationship. The Gen-z views that Openness about feelings is now seen as a relationship asset, not a vulnerability. Setting emotional boundaries is seen as a form of self-care and mutual respect.

These trends suggest that today’s young adults are not afraid to pause, reflect, and recalibrate rather than rush into connections that don’t align with their well-being goals.

What This Means for Relationship Culture

Gone are the days when silence about emotional needs was considered strength. Today’s young people are willing to initiate conversations about mental health early in relationships and evaluate if the relationship is enhancing their mental health or depleting it.

For relationship professionals, therapists, and anyone involved in couples counselling, these shifts signal a broader cultural moment, one where mental wellness is inseparable from romantic bonding.

Mental health, Emotional Awareness, Emotional literacy, capacity for Empathy are emerging as relationship parameters

Mental health isn’t just a sidebar in Gen-Z relationships; it’s often the central narrative that shapes how young adults choose, sustain, or exit partnerships. As emotional awareness becomes the new green flag in dating culture, we’re witnessing a healthier, more intentional form of connection that values well-being as much as affection.

The post Mental Health Comes First for Gen-Z in Relationships first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

What is healthy or unhealthy anger? When do you experience anger? When you get angry, is it easy for you to express it? Or do you suppress it?

Some typical scenarios where anger is experienced would be when something or someone offends us, when we face or experience injustice in some form, when our appropriate needs are not met, frustration from not being able to fix the issue at hand, feeling powerless in a situation where we have limited or no control and so on. Anger could be about the here and now or from the past.

Anger in the here and now, commensurate to the situation

When our anger is at an appropriate level, commensurate to the situation at hand, in the here and now, it allows us to take effective, affirmative action to address the situation. This would be healthy for us and others. If the given situation is not in our control then we can learn to use that anger in safe ways that is productive in a different direction perhaps.

Intense anger expressed in an unbridled manner

What if the intensity of anger is excessive and expressed in an unbridled manner? What if our anger ends up hurting others, breaching physical, emotional,  or even legal boundaries that keep us safe and civil?  This unhealthy expression of anger can damage the basic social fabric of a civilized society.

What if the anger was suppressed for a long time and one day it erupts aggressively like a volcano, damaging everything on its path?  Close relationships can get damaged or strangers can be impacted, like road rage and aggression towards others. Or suppressed anger can seep out in a passive aggressive manner. The outcome can be as damaging as overt aggression.

Anger to coverup other emotions

Anger can also cover up other emotions that we don’t know how to express or process in a healthy manner like sadness, hurt, shame, fear, and so on. This would be an unconscious process. Then the real issue at hand will not get addressed. Healthy or unhealthy anger would depend on whether we are able to manage our emotions at an appropriate level to take effective affirmative action. The key is to know, whether my anger and expression is helping/hurting, me and others.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald – 30-Aug-2024.

The post Healthy or Unhealthy Anger – How to know the difference? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Awareness about mental health challenges has definitely gone up in the recent years.

It is true, as a human being, we are facing so many global level crises as we speak. Be it the pandemic, or the on going conflicts and wars, impact of the climate change phenomenon, economic challenges and so on. It makes many of us feel small, insignificant, helpless and leaves with hopelessness, frustration and anger.

There is relentless focus on the negative when it comes to the news channels or other social media and it is practically difficult to keep oneself away from all of that, day in and day out. And it does have an impact on the level of emotional wellness.

Growing awareness of mental health challenges, availability of counselling and therapy services online, the stigma around seeking help fairly gone down, all these factors have definitely enabled many more people to seek and access therapy and counselling services.

Inner Dawn Counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald on 8-Nov-23.
https://www.deccanherald.com/india/karnataka/bengaluru/mental-health-experts-report-uptick-in-cases-2761052

The post More openness in people seeking help for Mental Health first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

The recent double murders in Bangalore of the CEO and MD of an IT company has shaken up the startup landscape and I see conversations about this happening in many of the entrepreneurial groups that I am part of. Given this context, sometimes I do really wonder where are we going as a society.  What really makes us human? Where is our humanity?

I was asked by the Journalist from Deccan Herald about the “Mental Stability” of the people who allegedly committed this crime, based on their social media presence.

Mental instability or disorder is something to be formally diagnosed by a competent professional and not up for speculation. And that does not take away the import of the crime that was committed and the loss there in.

Social media, now-a-days is used by many for shock value and cringe. But it is also true that shock and cringe has an audience. People do consume this and when there is a demand for it, more such content shows up. Having said that, there is a difference between content with shock value and IRL criminal conduct.

Inner Dawn counsellor Kala Balasubramanian’s views featured in Deccan Herald Today 14-Jul-23.

https://www.deccanherald.com/metrolife/metrolife-your-bond-with-bengaluru/bengaluru-rappers-weigh-in-on-joker-felix-case-1236810.html

What really makes us human?

In the 21^st century that we are in, on one side we are making tremendous advancements in artificial intelligence, space exploration, communication tech, genetics, healthcare etc, and on the other side we are also capable of and engage in cruelty, destruction, violence and war.

Webster dictionary defines humanity as compassionate, sympathetic, or generous behaviour or disposition – the quality or state of being humane.

To be human is not just walking upright, having significant intelligence, language, self-awareness etc. What is to be a human without humanity?

Humanity is respecting self and the other, understanding other’s pain and feeling compassion. To stand against the tendency to hurt the other. To be able to empathise and act from the space of solicitude. To stand up and act when a violation happens.  

What happened to our sense of humanity?

When I see news reports of mass shootings or chilling murders due to competition or rejection or heartbreak, or random acts of violence, I do question myself where is the compassion, where is our humanity? Yes there are perpetrators, and victims. But the rest of us have we all become bystanders shirking off our responsibility?

I recently read about this crime in France, where a husband allegedly drugged his wife repeatedly at night and over a span of 10 years invited more than 80 men to rape her when she was unconscious. It is not just the husband whose act was horrifying, but also about the men who came of their own will and chose to engage in this terrible crime. Many of these are educated men, who are well established and from different walks of life. What happened to their sense of humanity?

Are we de-sensitised to violence or pain of the other?

We as a society, are we becoming de-sensitised to violence or pain of the other? When discrimination and oppression happens in overt and covert ways in terms or race, caste, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc., is it just news material for the sensational content or does it evoke our emotions and humanity? Have we numbed our emotions? A day later, does it become yesterday’s news to be forgotten?

Today even young children, have unbridled access to technology, internet and information. Mobiles and tech devices have practically become their e-pacifiers. Children get age-inappropriate access to sexual / violent content and try to experiment on others who are vulnerable. We need to teach them not just good touch and bad touch, but also consent.

Violent video games, where shooting or killing or blood spurting everywhere is a common pass time for not just kids but for adolescents and adults too. Does this contribute to our de-sensitization to loss of human life or to another’s pain?

On the other hand every day there are reports of children being abused, sexual assaults being reported at all socio, cultural and economic segments of the society. 

Where do we learn compassion, empathy and consideration?

Where do we learn compassion, kindness and emotional awareness? How do we learn to empathize with each other? Do we learn it on our own or should it be taught in school? Do we learn it at home in our family? Who is responsible to build a society where compassion, empathy and understanding forms a part of the  basic fabric of our society?

What is our personal responsibility?

How do we build a cohesive society rather than highlighting every possible difference? How do we take personal responsibility for our contribution through action or inaction or silence on this regard?

Yes the Government will enact laws and there are laws already. And the laws need to be enforced and there is a process to ensure that happens.  Having said, what are our personal responsibilities? Unless we challenge our own thinking and responses, apathy will grow unabated.

I know, there are a lot of questions here.  But it is time for us to seek answers to these questions.  What can we do, what can each one of us do in our own social structures, starting from our own beliefs, attitudes and our own families.

If these questions stir us up, that we give up the numbing and feel our emotions, encourage us think from different perspectives, look for out of the box solutions, and move us to do something / anything that is in our purview, I think that will be a good start.

About the Author

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

The post What really makes us human? Where is our humanity? first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

Last week I was having a conversation with this friend of mine and somehow the it did not go well. Something unpleasant was said and I felt cornered. Instead of addressing the issue, I felt emotions like intense fear, shame and couldn’t say anything at that time and I withdrew from the conversation.

Do you think fear was the appropriate emotion in that circumstance? Do you think that anger would have been more appropriate? Would that have allowed me to take an affirmative action to address the issue at hand? Do you think I was able to manage and regulate my emotions appropriately? And if I had would the conversation have turned out differently?

Yes I couldn’t regulate my emotions at that moment.

Our emotions are important and they are key to our survival. They help us to take appropriate actions. Having said that, when we experience one emotion in place of another appropriate emotion, or when we experience an emotion where the intensity is disproportionate to the situation at hand then it means it is not helping us.

At the same time feeling intense emotions and hiding or supressing them is also not helpful. It is like a pressure cooker with no safety valve.  You see this in the level of stress that people experience today, number stress related ailments that are prevalent.

So in this video I talk about emotions. And how they are important for us. Why managing them is crucial for us?  Shall we?

Well we all have been children at some point in time. And we learned to manage our emotions based upon our own childhood experiences.

What did we observe as a child in terms of how our parents or other care givers behaved? Or what kind of parenting did we experience? And what was the overall emotional climate that existed in our family. What emotions were allowed what were not allowed what was expressed very intensely etc.

We may also be holding on too many misconceptions about emotions. It is very common for people to believe that feeling emotions or expressing emotions is undesirable as it seen as a weakness.

Our emotions act as a significant sign post for us to take appropriate actions to deal with challenges, overcome barriers, take care of our own self and others, to build relationships etc.

As I spoke about my example before, if an emotion is not relevant to the situation or the emotional intensity is not commensurate with the situation, then it can keep us stuck or hurt us or the people around us.

This is where we need to learn to understand our emotions, access appropriate emotions, to regulate our emotions to bring it to a appropriate level then to be able to act upon it effectively.

Does it mean that you will not have any problems in life or that you won’t get affected by the problems?  Lets us look at that.

You can Look at progress or growth in three different dimensions

For example of if you have the tendency to lose your temper with your colleague or your partner. And when you learn to regulate your emotions better you will see changes in

1. Frequency – How frequently do you get impacted by this particular issue at hand. Earlier if you used to get angry say 10 times in a given time period, now has it reduced to 8 times of 7 times.

2. Intensity – You may see a reduction in the intensity of the emotions that you are experiencing. Say in a Scale of 0-100 if you were getting angry at 80/90 the intensity might come down to 70 or 60 or so.

3. Recovery – or how long it takes for you to bounce back. Earlier if you needed about 4 hours to recover from anger now you may be able to bounce back in lesser time.

When we are able to accept and embrace our emotions, we are able to access appropriate emotions rather than pushing them away or covering it up with another.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Importance of emotions and regulation first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

I would try to give you a sense of what the therapy / counselling process would be like. This is our latest video on our YouTube channel. Here is the verbatim of this video in this article.

1. What happens in Counselling / Therapy process

Counselling is a safe space where you can express yourself openly and without any hesitation because there is no judgement from the therapist. You are accepted by the therapist as you are.

And what you share in the counselling process would be strictly confidential. Having said that confidentiality has certain limits and you will told upfront what those circumstances could be.

I usually tell my clients

Confidentiality does not apply
– If there is any risk to your life or safety or for anyone else.
– If there is evidence or suspicion of Child or Elder abuse  Etc
– If you are being sponsored by your organization from your EAP, do read your company EAP policy additionally.
– It is important that you understand the process and terms before you provide your Informed Consent to the process.

2. So what really happens in the therapy session?

Of course you will talk and share a lot about yourself and what you are going through your thoughts your emotions your circumstances in the process.  Your therapist would listen to you actively and ask you specific questions, or highlight certain aspects in your narrative or what you are not talking about as well.

Your unhelpful beliefs may emerge allowing you to challenge them. You may experience and explore your deeper emotions and experiences.

Therapy can involve restructuring of your thoughts and beliefs or  reorganizing your emotional experiences or even making sense of your bodily affect – all this depends upon what is that you are looking for from the therapy process.

So your consent, agency and your power is always with you and is paramount in the process.

3. So how is therapy different from talking to a friend or close one?

Therapy is a purposeful process. It is a professional relationship, that is genuine, warm and  that gets built between the client and the therapist. Most part of therapy would be in the form of conversations with your therapist. Having said that this will be different from your relationship or a conversation with a friend or any one else.

Here the both of you would be focused on you and the goals that you want to set for yourself. The intent of the therapy process would be to facilitate your understanding of your own self better your circumstances better to learn or build those skills and resources so that you can make changes and move towards a goals of your choice.

Therapy can be a supportive process but you will also be gently challenged in the process towards awareness, health and growth.

4. How do you set goals in the therapy process?

It is a good idea to have a fair sense of what you are looking for from the therapy process before you start. Most people usually know that. Having said that sometimes it is possible that initially you may not be 100% sure but the therapist would help you arrive at a point of clarity so that both of you will have a clear understanding of what you are working towards.  EOD you will set your goals in collaboration with the therapist make them realistic and achievable.

5. What do you do in the process?

Therapy a collaborative process. You and your therapist work together as a team. And it is important that you are actively engaged in the process. Therapist does not do anything to you or change you. Your therapist does not offer solutions or advice but enables you to arrive at the solutions that are right for you.  The idea is that you not just arrive at solutions for your current problem but also you gain skills and resources to deal with future problems as well.  

6. What happens in between sessions?

Therapy is not just that one hour that you spend with your therapist every week or every fortnight. The process also continues in between sessions. You may be asked to think about certain things or introspect or to an activity or a homework, or experiment with the new behaviour etc. As I Said before your involvement, engagement and motivation are key success factors in therapy.

7. What to do once you have decided to talk to a therapist or counsellor?

If you have made the choice to meet a therapist, my suggestion for you would be to be first be comfortable with the therapist.  Be open to ask any questions or clarifications that you may have initially or at any point in therapy. And if you are, then be as open and involved as possible in the process.  End of day it is your decision, power and agency to seek changes towards growth.

If you like this video – do like and subscribe to our channel. you can watch the video here

In my next video I will talk about how to choose the therapist who is right for me.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post What really happens in therapy / counselling first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.

As a couple therapist / relationship counsellor I often see couples facing challenges with the level of intimacy that they seek with their partner. Many come in to therapy frustrated and disappointed about their relationship with escalating conflicts and finding lesser and lesser ways of real contact and connection with their partner.  In this article, I will try to articulate the different kinds of intimacy in a couple relationship.

When you are in a long term relationship, like marriage or a committed relationship you would expect to experience intimacy between the both of you.  What does intimacy look like?  In couple context I would classify intimacy into three major types. Understanding these could be the first step to understand the challenges that you face in this regard in your relationship.

1. Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the possibility to connect with your partner at a deeper level knowing your partner and allowing them to know you about your thoughts, emotions, fears and to be vulnerable to each other. Are you both willing to respond to sharing and vulnerability in an attuned manner. This involves significant levels of trust understanding between the partners.

This could entail talking about what is important for you, sharing your dreams and aspirations, talking about your past history or even painful experiences, and about your own relationship with each other. You trust that you will not be judged but understood, what you share will be confidential and what you share will not be used against you in any circumstances.

2. Mental / Intellectual intimacy

This involves being able to talk about your opinions, sharing your point of view on different topics, beliefs, values openly without fear of conflict. Even if they are different from each other, you listen to each other with interest and respect. To be able to have a healthy debate or argument. To have stimulating conversations. Showing interest in each others lives and interest areas. To take pleasure in doing activities together. 

Mental intimacy is also to understand each other’s thought processes, idiosyncrasies, differences and celebrating the same. You can be yourself with your partner and be accepted as you are. That is such a liberating feeling to have.

3. Physical intimacy

We can look at two aspects of physical intimacy. One is non-Sexual intimacy and other is Sexual intimacy.

As infants, we were all held and stroked by our mother or mother figure or parental figure. Research has proven that physical touch is extremely important for the infant to have good psychological development. This need for physical touch stays with us throughout our life, albeit appropriateness comes into the picture. So some of this need gets morphed into seeking recognition through words or otherwise. But the need for physical touch remains. Sometimes a simple appropriate touch can convey a great deal of kindness or compassion to the other.

Non sexual touch between a couple could be anything from holding hands, a gentle pat on the back, a shoulder rub, kiss on the forehead, hug, sitting close etc. Touch can be a powerful and effective communication of care, concern, affection and love towards your partner.

Non sexual touch can lead to sexual intimacy based on both partners’ interest and intent. It could be a great way to bond with each other and can enhance the feeling of desirability and boost self-esteem significantly.

Why are some people scared of intimacy?

The need for closeness and intimacy is present in every single person but the extent of the need might be different from person to person.

People who are fearful of intimacy, typically would seek closeness but when they experience closeness or face a demand for closeness from their partner they would push them away or distance themselves – withdraw.

There could be many reasons why a person might be fearful of intimacy. This could be because of their past experiences in relationships, or might be a reflection of their earliest experiences of relating with their parent figures. Overtly though they may seem disdainful of closeness or vulnerability, but deep down they may be scared of being hurt, rejected or disappointed.

Communication is key to building closeness and intimacy.  Honest, open, kind, respectful communication is essential. When you are able to experience true intimacy it can offer you happiness, safety, grounding, security and fulfilment in a relationship.

Read more here about how Active Listening and Empathy can help improve your relationship.

If you are facing difficulty in communicating with your partner or want to build healthy intimacy with your partner and facing challenges, professional help through couple counselling or relationship therapy can offer support and facilitate building a fulfilling relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in

The post Three types of intimacy in a couple relationship first appeared on Inner Dawn Counselling.