When is the right time to get married?  How will you know?

You must be thinking – what is it about? In India the law says that, when it comes to age, the woman has to be 18+ and a man has to be 21+ to get married. So what is the big deal- right?

No I am not talking about the wedding seasons here and not about the legal age either.

The big question is the word “right” in that sentence. What determines the right time, right age, right preparation? What determines whether you are ready for a commitment like marriage? The way I use the term marriage here, this could be applicable to any kind of a long term relationship commitment.

You need to be physically, mentally, emotionally, financially prepared and ready to enter into a committed relationship like a marriage. Lets us talk about some key factors to consider before you take this significant decision in your life.

But before that, if you are decided to get married for the following reasons, it’s time to take a reality check.

• You think you should be getting married because all your friends are married:

So all of your friends are married and are now couples.  So when you hangout with them it becomes awkward for you to be one of the few singles out there.  Your friends constantly rag you about getting married.

RC: Your friends might have been prepared and ready for a marital commitment. It is no benchmark for your readiness.

• Your parents and your relatives are putting pressure on you:

It has become a nuisance now to attend any family functions and other weddings in the family because the constant topic of conversation is about when you are going to get married. Your parents keep hinting at you, your relatives keep bringing up new possible alliances for you and you are feeling the pressure. And you think by getting married you will keep your parents and relatives happy and off your back.

RC: Your parents might feel it is their responsibility to get you married.  But it is your responsibility to be fully ready for the same. End of day you will be dealing with the good and the bad, the challenges that will eventually emerge and you need to be prepared for the same.

• You are thinking of your age and your biological clock:

Both men and women think of their age/biological clock and how that is ticking – to be attractive enough to find a partner, to have children and at what age and how many years they have to bring the children up, to the stage where the children are independent and so on.  You don’t think you have found the right person for you but the ticking clock puts pressure on you.

RC: If you are not yet prepared for the effort and commitment for marital relationship, then you are definitely not ready and prepared for parenting responsibilities, no matter what your biological clock says.

• You are bored and you are lonely:

You are bored and you are lonely and the prospect of having a new company excites you. The prospect of getting all dressed up and being the center of attraction for a few days for all your friends and family interests you.

RC: The wedding event might be fun and exciting. But that is just a few days affair.  Marriage is an event that happens every day of two people coming together, living together, understanding and supporting each other, sharing responsibilities, loving and caring for each other, being there for each other,  having fun and also having fights, getting to know each other and making relevant adjustments as maybe needed.

So now to talk about some of the real factors that you need to consider before you decide to get married

• Mental readiness to get into a marriage:

You need to be mentally ready to share your life, space, time, goals, finances, responsibilities with your partner.  On areas where you disagree, you need to be willing and ready to negotiate to arrive at an approach that works for the both of you. Both of you will be pursuing your own life goals, but together, providing support for each other in the process.

• Let’s talk about emotional readiness:

Emotionally you need to be available for your partner and also be willing to be emotionally open and appropriately vulnerable to your partner if you want a strong bond and lasting relationship.  Emotional baggage from past trauma or difficult experiences need to be reasonably dealt with and not just buried under the carpet.

• Are you financially ready?

If you are still dependent on your parents to meet your current expenses or don’t have any back up or surplus from your income, managing your post marriage expenses will be a nightmare.  Consider, plan, save and make an emergency fund. Plan to discuss with your potential partner, financial responsibilities and their contribution.

• Do you have the time and energy?

Today we do have very fast paced life and careers. With that in the background, you need to be ready and prepared to invest time, effort, energy and interest in the relationship to build a strong foundation and a strong bonding with each other. Failing to do so, is a precursor for major hard ships ahead in your relationship.

• Do you have clarity in terms of the kind of partner that you want?

First of all, you need to have a clear understanding of your own self, your beliefs, your values, your strengths, your weaknesses, your interests, your priorities in life etc.   With this understanding, it is possible for you to check with your potential partner for a fair match, rather than complete disparity.

• What is your level of willingness and attitude towards adjustment?

No matter how so ideal a partner might seem, there will always be disagreements, arguments, conflicts in a relationship like marriage.  Set expectations with yourself that some things, some behaviors are going to need change and will not be exactly the way they are currently.  Being rigid and stubborn can be significant roadblocks to a new relationship.  And this is applicable even if you both have known each other for quite a long time and have been in a relationship before marriage.

• You need to fulfill your partner’s reasonable needs. Are you willing to give adequate importance and attention to your partners needs?

Your own level of preparedness and readiness reduces the risk from your side and increases the chances of a good fulfilling relationship.  Assessing the readiness of your partner also would give a good indicator of the same. Apart from readiness, and being prepared, open communication, respectful disagreements and setting right reasonable expectations are the way to go, when you follow through with your decision to get married.

And the right time is the time when you are reasonably well prepared and ready.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.