Roadmap to a Happy Marriage
As a marriage counsellor, I have seen many couples going through a rough time simply because they were not aware of the developmental stages and phases that all marriages go through. Just as a baby becomes a toddler and then a young child grows into teens/adolescence to adult, similarly a marriage has to experience all its phases and both the spouses need to be ready to put in their efforts in the right direction. These transitional phases are often misunderstood, causing immense pain and disillusionment. But, if you are armed with this knowledge and have a general sense of direction, it becomes easier to navigate the challenges that one experiences in married life.
Stage 1: The honeymoon phase
You can’t believe that the love of your life is just like you. You both can read each others minds and even complete each-others’ sentences. Common interests, hobbies, friends and culture just seem to seal the deal for you. Reema, 23 yrs and Ashok, 27 yrs. ( names changed for the sake of confidentiality, and this is a summary of multiple cases) were head over heels in love with each other as they discovered common passion for movies, dark humour and travelling. They met every day and messaged each other late into the night, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Common friends believed that they were made for each other. In their minds, they had found the perfect life partner. Both were in a state of euphoria, experiencing heightened positivity, sexuality and sensuality. Soon, they decided to move in together to spend more time together and save some money on monthly expenditure. Any differences or small annoyances are brushed away as a “not so important” or “it’ll go away with time” or “He/She will learn to be more like me later”.
The honeymoon phase could last for roughly 1.5 to 2 years. Yet, as the couple starts the next phase of living with each other, most of the initial euphoria wears off and reality starts biting and the notion of spending eternity together peacefully seems like an eternity every single day.
What is needed: it is important that you see your better half in his/her real avatar, with all their capabilities, abilities and weaknesses, failings and shortcoming. Identify your peeve points and talk realistically about it. Be ready to tolerate differences.
Stage 2: I made the biggest mistake of my life
This is the most difficult stage to experience, as you go through your biggest fall and start seeing your dreams crumble and your perfect life partner as the most complicated, insensitive human being you ever saw on earth. As reality sets in, you see your partner as the imperfect cook, or he is glued to his laptop more than you. She visits the parlour and burns a big hole in your pocket every weekend and he decides who you talk and meet with. After all, you are deeply in love, married now and have a social reputation to keep. All hell breaks loose as you realise that you are as different as chalk and cheese. Ironically, in the middle of this chaos, Reema and Ashok, now 28 and 32 yrs, had to make life altering decisions regarding which city to settle in, how many children they want, how much influence should in laws have, who will bear which expenses and how to divide chores etc.
The differences were straining their relationship and both started spending more time in their office and friends, feeling isolated and unsupported in their pursuit of a happily married dream. Many couples spend years in this phase, living alone in their world feeling hopeless and helpless.
What is needed: Both need to be open and vulnerable enough to be able to share their opinions and visions of a perfect marriage without judgement and be able to listen and understand each others expectations.
Stage 3: I’m right, you are wrong
By this time, both spouses have gained enough evidence and support from various sources that they are individually right in what they believe in. They have spoken with friends, family, religious heads, read self-help books and visited a couple counsellor as well. Reema now 41, a mother of 2 teenage kids now, was strongly attached to her opinion that Ashok, now 45, should continue working in the current organisation so that they have a steady income and his commitment towards work is predictable. Ashok was bored of his present role and was looking at a more challenging and rewarding role, which was taking him to different city. Their differences were driving them to consider a divorce. Each believed that their way of doing things was the right way and the other person just needed to accept and follow that path.
The problem with this approach is that, the more you are convinced in your views, you will become that much more emotionally invested in them, which will hinder you to open your mind to doing things differently, which benefits both parties.
During this developmental stage, some couples believe that they will continue in this lonely marriage and die a lonely death, some decide to divorce and move on. Still others, who have the courage to find healthier ways of engaging and finding common ground, decide to give their marriage a second chance. This option requires a major leap of faith and those who take it find that there’s indeed a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
What is needed: The need of the hour is to talk openly, be willing to accept differences in approach and brainstorm to find creative ways to suit the current and future needs of the two spouses.
Stage 4: We’re different, yet similar and form a strong team
Reema, finally acceded and understood that Ashok could give his best as a husband and father when he’s feeling challenged and happy at work. Ashok understood Reema’s need to have him around as the kids were in their teens, as she struggled with a difficult boss at work. Both were committed to their respective duties and roles in their own ways. Together, they decided to let Ashok change his jobs and cities, while Reema stayed back with the kids for a year, before joining him. Ashok would visit them on weekends and during the week, keep in touch with them over video calls to support Reema in upbringing the teens.
This way, their individual needs for challenge and support were addressed and they found a healthier way to talk respectfully with each other by respecting differences and form a strong bond between them again. Mutual trust and respect grew by leaps and bounds as they found each other again. With that they were more than willing to forgive each other when they realised that both meant well for their marriage.
Stage 5: Reaping the benefits of giving it the best shot
Some couples, who have it in them to weather out the storm when it’s the roughest, are able to enjoy the marital bliss which comes with a stable and committed marital bond. Both partners realise that individually, they are not easiest to live with, have many shortcomings themselves and there are many ways to make a happy and successful marriage. They have a history together now, feel more comfortable in their own skin, financially stable, willing to tolerate and accept differences. Children are more or less independent now and need lesser of parents’ time. The couple “finds” themselves again and get ready to invest in each other with renewed energy. Life has come a full circle.
Again, it is imperative to remember that no two couples have the same journey and opportunities and challenges. Therefore, to want to lead a life based on somebody else’s choices and decisions is not a great idea. Everyone’s road map is unique and different. If you can’t find a way to get started, then find a couple counsellor and find out how you both can navigate the ups and downs in your wedded life and come out as a winner.
About the Author :
Samiksha Jain is a trained and certified Professional Counsellor. She offers her clients a non-clinical approach to therapeutic counselling in a friendly, warm and confidential environment to talk through their experiences and difficulties. This allows for a trusting relationship to develop and enables the clients to achieve their goals effectively. She has worked with couples to manage relationships with a wide range of challenges like sexual and sexuality issues, stress and anger issues, depression, marital discord, parenting, financial discord, fears and phobias, anxiety, grief etc.