Emotional Invalidation – how can it damage a relationship?

Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts, emotions are ignored, not considered important, disagreed with, rejected, denied, minimized or ridiculed.

Any event or a communication will have two parts to it,

1. Content
2. Emotions / feelings

Let us look at a common scenario.  A couple go to a party and one of them ends up getting angry and upset when they are back home.

Wife: I really felt left alone and lonely when you got busy with the other people in the party and didn’t come and talk to me, for a long time.

Husband: Parties are like that. I need to socialize and network.  I can’t be with you all the time.  You need to understand. Why are you making a big deal out of it? You are just overreacting.

In this scenario, what the husband says, may even be logical.  He is asking for her to understand, but he is not actually giving her any understanding.  The scenario can be true vice versa with the roles reversed as well.

He is not able to listen to what she is trying to say and is not making an attempt to understand her point of view.  Neither is he able to understand what she felt or went through.

He completely ignores her point of view (Content) and also her feelings (angry, ignored, lonely), judges her feelings (overreacting), but gives his point of view without understanding hers.

Now she feels even more upset and ignored and the conflict escalates, leading to more misunderstanding and feeling not valued. He feels that his logic and situation is not understood by her and that she is being unreasonable. The conflict doesn’t have a way forward unless they are willing to attempt to understand each other’s point of view and acknowledge the emotions therein.

I tell couples, before you put your point across, try to listen to the other person’s point of view and their emotions. Try and learn to acknowledge their point of view and emotions.  

You may disagree with the content of what is being said or conveyed.  But you cannot disagree or contest the emotions that the other person is experiencing.

Each one of us experiences the world and events in our own way.  Validation is giving respect to the other persons experience and trying to understand the same, even if you disagree.

As a couple therapist, when I look at the communication break down between couples, one of the key factors that goes out of the window is listening.  When you listen to the other person completely, you are listening to the content of what is being said and the emotions there in, that the other person is undergoing.  

Disagreements and conflicts are a common part of a relationship. It is the approach that the couple takes, that determines whether the resolution brings them closer or moves them apart.  Learning to validate each other and each others’s emotions, can go a long way in establishing and maintaining a healthy, empathetic and loving relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.