Hooked to porn ? How does it affect you and your relationship.
Flipping through old issues of Debonair or Play Boy are gone with the olden days. A man would drool over the pictures for hours, fantasizing about the woman and the possibility of a mind blowing sexual encounter. In the absence of any other source of graphical knowledge, it was normal that the couple would experiment and find each other’s pleasure points and erogenous zones, develop their own sexual positions and make satisfying love.
The wide spread availability of internet and the easy access to porn has increased so much in the last few decades. The smart phone wave has brought it so much closer to home when everyone can afford a smartphone and with loads of free data offered by mobile companies, it makes it easier to watch porn anywhere and for long durations.
How does watching porn affect you and your relationship?
The idea is not to go into the ethics of porn and the morality arguments therein. People watch porn – both men and women, this is the current reality and let us see how it affects relationships today.
India Today Neilsen Company Annual Sex Survey has been done since last 14 years now and one of their findings in the past few years is that 66% husbands watch porn, and women are not far behind, as 34 % regularly watch porn and these numbers are definitely not coming down.
Excessive porn and addiction to porn is something real. And this addiction can bring down sex drive and cause erectile dysfunction in men and this is attributed to the over stimulation that creates an ever increasing need for stimulation which is practically not possible in the real world. Excessive Porn can also create issues in real sex – like inability to reach orgasm, delayed orgasm in both men and women.
Porn can also impact the self esteem for both men and women. Women especially, as it can bring upon body image issues. Also people think what they see in porn is the norm and expect that in their partner – which could be genital size and shape, color etc. Porn also becomes the norm when it comes to the unrealistic expectations regarding sex with their partner. There is no concept of consent and even if a particular act makes one uncomfortable, the pressure to perform that act could arise.
When one partner is majorly into porn and is not happy with their partner with respect to their expectations, it can make the other partner lose confidence, self esteem and may start worrying that something is wrong about themselves. They might start suspecting infidelity and the other marital areas might also suffer.
Porn is another avenue of instant gratification. Porn is available at any time any day when ever one is in the mood, never too busy – to satisfy themselves and it offers them infinite variety. Porn doesn’t criticize or complain of a headache. Porn never requires foreplay or emotional closeness.
And when it comes to the real life, the partners may not be in sync with respect to their sexual needs or mood etc. The effort that needs to be put to bring themselves in sync seems to be too much now a days. And yes they might not be able to have infinite variety in a real sense. And emotional intimacy in a couple is very critical to have a good sex life.
Asma, 22 (names used are fictional, and this is a summary of many similar cases) and Fareed, 30 got married 3 years ago. Fareed had been on a porn diet for the last 16 years, was now dependent on pornography to get an erection. He was prepared to deliver great sex just like the men in porn videos. Asma, petite and beautiful, excited to have sex for the first time, would pressurize Fareed to make love to her frequently. Fareed, to his utter shock, didn’t feel sexually aroused and couldn’t get an erection to satisfy his wife’s sexual needs. They tried on various occasions but the net result remained the same. He couldn’t get an erection because, in his mind, his wife didn’t match up to the images of the women from porn videos. The couple’s love making didn’t come anywhere close to these images imprinted on his mind. He felt like a failure and began withdrawing from Asma and went back to watching his porn, where sexual arousal and erection wasn’t a problem. His concept of a virile urban man delivering mind blowing sex every time, was shattered soon after marriage. Asma started doubting herself and thought that something was wrong with her and her husband didn’t love her. Early in their married life, they started having frequent fights and arguments over small issues. Asma went into depression and Fareed failed to assert himself in all other areas of their marriage.
A visit to a urologist, got him a diagnosis of PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), wherein a man fails to get an erection as the nerves in the penis don’t receive the required impulses from the brain to get an erection. Their families had to intervene and sent the couple for counselling and sex therapy. There, Fareed was guided to terminate his addiction to porn and develop a realistic image of sex, life partner and build on couple bond. Asma worked on her confidence and self-esteem. Both worked on their interpersonal communication and unlearnt and relearned the realistic way of making love.
About the Author :
Samiksha Jain is a trained and certified Professional Counsellor. She offers her clients a non-clinical approach to therapeutic counselling in a friendly, warm and confidential environment to talk through their experiences and difficulties. This allows for a trusting relationship to develop and enables the clients to achieve their goals effectively. She has worked with couples to manage relationships with a wide range of challenges like sexual and sexuality issues, stress and anger issues, depression, marital discord, parenting, financial discord, fears and phobias, anxiety, grief etc.