‘To have or not to have’ – children

Now that you are married, are you feeling the pressure to have a child ?

Yes, Lets admit it. It is common in the Indian society for people to ask you about having a child post marriage, be it 2 mon, 6 mon or 2 years. Initially it might start as a mild jibe – of “when are you guys gonna give some good news”? to little more pressure of “its been almost a year and aren’t you guys trying” ? to “do you think you should get yourselves checked up by a gynecologist/doctor”? But it happens in the western world as well, but at a different level of intensity. Some times when a couple is facing frequent conflicts, they might even get advice from others – to have a child and everything will be alright.

First of all, having a child or not and whether or when is a key and critical decision that needs to be made by you and your spouse/partner and not your parents, or relatives or friends or out of pressure. It doesn’t just impact the two of you, it also impacts the other person who you bring to life – your child. Having a child is a significant decision that would involve your time, effort and resources. If both of you are well prepared for the same, it can bring you closer and improve your relationship. If either or both of you are not well prepared, it can aggravate underlying relationship issues already there.

It is also a sad reality that more often than not, in many families these questions are posed more to the woman than the man. Rarely there may be a question of when they want to have children, but never a question of whether. It is taken for granted that every one who gets married will want to have a child and that is how the socialization of the individual happens beginning with childhood and the expectations are thrust on the couple.

Yes there are a majority of couples for whom begetting a child is seen as a natural progression of their life and they actively, enthusiastically look forward to it. Even for them it is important that they address some fundamental but important questions regarding the same.

1. Do the both of you want to have a child or children and why?
2. If yes, how many and by when?
3. Are you ready and prepared emotionally and financially for the same?
4. Is your marital bonding strong and stable enough to deal with the changes and challenges that will entail with the addition to your family?
5. How do either of you feel about children and parental care? What are your thoughts and ideas of parenting?
6. If you plan to get support from your parents / in-laws – do you already have a good relationship and understanding with them ?
7. Are the both of you adequately prepared and on the same page to deal with the challenges of pregnancy, child birth, early child care and subsequent parental responsibilities. For eg., the mother will need to take a break from her career. There will be a lot of balancing to be done by the both of you with respect to your work life, couple life and parental life.

Discuss with your partner. Ensure you both are on the same page on these questions. If some of them concern you, these are opportunities for the both of you as a couple to work on.

On the other hand there are couples who may decide not to have children or may need more time to make that decision. If one feels that they are ready and the other doesn’t feel so, then don’t pressurize your partner.

As a matter of fact as a counsellor,

1. I recommend couples to discuss how they feel about having a child / parenting even before they commit to each other in matrimony. Any major differences here can become a significant reason of conflict that can lead to long term resentments or sometimes even divorce.
2. If both of you decide not to have children, talk to each other and understand the reasons behind your decision. Also discuss how you feel about adoption and other choices available and why you may or may not want to choose them.
3. Don’t assume that you will be able to make the other person change their choice a few years down the lane.
4. Plan in terms of – how to manage the expectations of your respective families of origin and friends. Ensure you are on the same page and communicate to your families in the same manner without any blame on each other. Parents are more likely to respect your decision if you are able to make them see that it is a joint decision.
5. Ensure that either of you don’t feel guilty about your decision and that you don’t regret it later.
6. And last but not the least, talk about contraception, and who will take what measures and take responsibility for the same correspondingly.

Either way, whether you choose to have children or not / choose to wait, remember – it is your decision and it is a significant decision – not to be made out of pressure or as a solution to your current marital problems. You can always seek help from a Professional counsellor / Marital Therapist to enable you to navigate this phase if you are not able to come to a common understanding between yourselves.